How the Tiger Woods story is still news I have no idea.  However as more women come out from every conceivable hiding place something has become abundantly clear.  Tiger Woods really should have been a rock star.

The problem about golf and golfing is that it’s boring.  Unless you play the sport, golf is about a much fun as eating a bowl of Brussel Sprouts.  Golfers themselves are even more lifeless, spending all day in plaid jumpers and not even celebrating when they win, just holding their stick (sorry club) aloft and nonchalantly nodding.

Golf and golfers are mind-numbing.  However Tiger dropping his boxer shorts at every given opportunity (regardless of his or their marital status) is captivating entertainment and reading about it has become an international hobby.  It’s more fun than Christmas and New Year combined!

The problem for Tiger is this; when you put so much fun into something as dreary and downright depressing as golf, people lose their minds… and he loses his pus*y as everyone passes judgement (and his ‘playthings’ realise they’ve been treated like sh*t).

However, if Tiger were a rockstar he would not have had this problem…

• It’s expected from musicians. If Tiger was a rock star no one would have batted an eyelid at this story – shoot infidelity is damn near celebrated in some music circles!  He could have his trail of women in relative peace and quiet, and would probably still be enjoying that peace and quiet right now
• His actions would have boosted record sales. In golf these shenanigans lose you money as sponsors walk away.  In music it would have shifted some units – the first story about him cheating would have sent Tiger Gold.  After this whole string of women came out he would have gone quadruple Platinum
• He would have got more women. 92.61% of golf fans are middle-aged and bald.  Rock groupies however = 80% young and hot!  If Tiger has been a rockstar potentially 0.72% of all mixed race babies born in the western world would have had his genetics.

Tiger, it’s not too late.  You too can become a rockstar and you don’t even need talent these days (ref T-Pain, autotune, autotune, autotune).  This is in your best interests because if you continue to be a ‘golfer’ that cheats on his wife you’re probably going to be a very broke golfer without a wife by May 2010.

Release an album however, and I’m sure someone somewhere will call it a classic and you will have more money and more scantily clad rock-chicks than you ever dreamed of!

Soulside Funk